


We're broken people

by blueslytherin



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Anxiety, Breakup, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, M/M, Weed, protective heidi hansen, questionable parenting, self doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2017-06-05
Packaged: 2018-11-09 04:12:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11096640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueslytherin/pseuds/blueslytherin
Summary: Connor Murphy breaks up with Evan Hansen. But Evan don't know what's going on behind the scenes.





	We're broken people

**Author's Note:**

> I've been working on this for two weeks but it's still shitty
> 
> Inspired by a prompt given to @treehoes on tumblr
> 
> Title taken from Screen- twenty one pilots

“We need to break up.” was the last thing Evan Hansen had expected to come out of his boyfriend’s mouth. His boyfriend, Connor Murphy, had just shown up unannounced at Evan’s door a few minutes earlier. Instead of greeting him with a kiss like usual, Connor had dragged Evan into his own room and slammed the door shut. Evan had opened his mouth, heart pounding in fear, but Connor spoke before he did. “Evan, we’re over.”

He couldn’t breathe. _No no no no nononononono. This can’t be happening._ The world started spinning, and he clenched his bedsheets like a lifeline.

Evan tried to stay calm, digging his nails into his palm of the other hand until they left bloody marks. “What did you say?” He felt tears form, but blinked them back, refusing to cry.

Connor had simply shrugged. “You heard me. I’m breaking up with you.” His voice was sharper than the blade of a knife. This wasn’t the Connor Evan knew. His Connor was kinder, softer, loyal. He would never speak to someone he loved like that.

_Maybe he doesn’t love you anymore._

“Connor, I’m, I’m so sorry. I did something wrong, did I, but, but I can fix it. I promise.” Evan was rambling, he knew it, but he couldn’t stop the stream of words that poured out of him. He slowly rocked back and forth, mind scrambling for excuses. “I’m sorry I’m so clingy I’m trying so hard and my anxiety’s getting better, you know that. I’ll do anything, I swear!”

Connor didn’t say anything; he just watched Evan gasp and stutter. _He always helped you whenever you had a panic attack. Not anymore._

Evan felt like he was drowning, and gasped for air. _You thought that you two actually had something special. How long did you expect it to last?_ Finally, he managed to squeak out another response. “I thought you loved me. I thought-”

“You thought wrong. I don’t love you anymore.” Connor said icily. The room went deathly silent. Evan could hear his own heartbeat.

_You knew it. You knew it all along. Of course you’ve fucked it up. You’ve always ruined everything. Look at Connor - he’s perfect. He’s caring and protective and he’s doesn’t let his depression stop him from doing anything. The exact opposite of you. Look at you; a nervous wreck who can’t even order pizza without stuttering and crying. Why would Connor want to stay with anyone as worthless as you?_

Connor watched Evan with a look of disgust, or maybe pity. He let out a haughty sigh. “It’s complicated.” His voice showed no emotion; it was robotic.

“Just don’t call me anymore. Bye, _babe_ ” He spat that last word out, and Evan let out a choked sob. _You called him babe. You poured out your heart to him and for what? He ended up leaving you. You loved him too goddamn much, and he let go. Everyone will leave in the end. No one wants to stay, no one wants to put up with the mess known as Evan Hansen._

Evan held it together until the door closed behind Connor, and then the dam burst. He found himself sobbing on the floor, feeling as if the world was about to collapse in on itself. He couldn’t feel anything except pain and regret. Numbness slowly spread through his body. The one person he had truly cared for, the one person who understood him, his fucking soul mate was gone.

 

 

Evan sat on his bed for the rest of the night. The first thing he did was gather up all his photos of Connor, all the things his boyfriend had given him, anything that triggered memories of their relationship, and shove them all into a box in the corner of his closet. He couldn’t stand looking at them, being reminded of the events that had occurred earlier.

He didn’t cry anymore. He was all out of tears.

_Why did Connor break up with you? Was it something you did? How long had Connor felt like this? Had he fallen out of love? Was your relationship built on a lie? Was Connor just sick of you?_

His brain was lethargic; it moved too slowly to form any other cohesive thought.

 

 

The next morning, Evan put his brain on autopilot. All he could think about was the overwhelming sadness that threatened to drown him. The one thing that pulled him out of his own head was Zoe.

Zoe was a godsend. Beautiful, beautiful Zoe, who he had had a crush on two years ago. She had politely let him down when he told her, and somehow the two had become best friends afterwards. Evan loved her to pieces. She was kind and sweet, patient when his anxiety acted up, yet sarcastic as hell and confident. She was the first raindrop that fell during a thunderstorm. Worst yet, she resembled her brother.

Zoe knew what had gone on the night before. She didn’t ask any questions about it. Instead, she just treated him like normal, showing up at his locker to chat in between classes, talking about cute boys with him, and driving him to school and turning the radio so loud he couldn’t hear his own thoughts. Mostly it worked. Evan found himself laughing at a joke she had told during lunch. He didn’t think that he’d be able to laugh today. He didn’t think about Connor. Everything was okay.

Up until his ex-boyfriend walked in, looking half asleep.

_Fuck._

Zoe saw him and her eyes widened. “Just ignore him, Evan. Don’t waste your time thinking about that asshole.” she said. But the memories had already come flooding back. Zoe grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly. He barely registered it. Connor looked dazed. Zoe squinted. “Oh, shit. He’s stoned. Let me go deal with him.” Her chair scraped across the floor as she pushed it aside and walked up to her brother, who barely noticed her. “Why the fuck are you high?” she demanded.

Connor scowled once she spoke, looking down at her. “It’s none of your goddamn business. Just go hang out with your boyfriend.” He smirked.

“You little-” Zoe let loose a stream of profanities.

“Why so worked up about it?” Connor said. Zoe harshly grabbed her brother’s hand and they continued the argument in strained, hushed tones. Evan was grateful. He couldn’t stand to listen to Connor ignoring him, feeling like his heart was pounding faster and faster. Yet he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the pair. It was strange to see Connor behaving like this.

He got so lost in his thoughts that he almost didn’t see Connor until it was too late. He reeked of weed, and his once-luscious hair was now unkempt and greasy. His eyes glistened. For a moment, he thought Connor was going to apologize, and everything would be back to normal. But the next words he said made Evan’s blood run cold.

“What the fuck are you looking at, fag?

Zoe sharply yelled at Connor, and the boy stormed out without another word. Evan felt like he was trapped in a box that was slowly getting smaller and smaller. His breath hitched. _Connor knew how much that word affected you. He doesn’t give a shit about you anymore. Years of friendship, years of dating, they’re just gone like they didn’t mean anything to him. He’s finally done putting up with you. Pretty soon, Zoe’s going to realize how worthless you are and leave you and then you’ll be alone._

_You won’t survive if you’re all by yourself._

His vision blurred, and he barely noticed Zoe grabbing his arm and leading him through the doorway. “Evan,” she murmured. “I’m right here.” As if reading his thoughts, she said. “I’m not leaving you. I promise.”

_Your dad said that. Now he’s in Colorado with his new wife and children who are perfectly normal. Not broken like you_.

His hands shook.

_Connor said that too. Look where you are now._

 

 

Weeks passed. Evan was a wreck for the first few days, almost drowning in the pain and sorrow. Zoe, Alana, and Jared, on the other hand, were his life preservers. They kept his head above water, until it slowly began to retreat. Three weeks later, he had blocked out all thoughts of Connor, and his anxiety had gone dormant for a while after some therapy sessions. For the first time since the breakup, he felt free. A month after the breakup, Zoe was driving him home from school, and instead of turning right on his street, she turned left. When Evan had protested, she told him that they were going out to their neighborhood cafe.

“But why, Zoe?”

“Because I think I failed the science test and all I want right now is some coffee.” She fumbled with her purse. “Damn, I left my phone at home. Let’s go get it.”

This time, Evan didn’t protest. And so there he was, standing on the Murphy’s doorstep, his ex’s sister clutching his arm.

Larry Murphy, Zoe and Connor’s father, opened the door.

“Hi, Dad,” Zoe said.

“Zoe,” Her father sounded pleasantly surprised. “I thought you wouldn’t be back until five.”

“We weren't supposed to be back this early,” Zoe said, patting Evan’s arm. That’s when Mr. Murphy noticed him, and his whole demeanor changed. “Oh. Hello, Mr. Hansen.” He sounded wary, and his shifty eyes unnerved Evan.

Zoe cleared her throat. “Anyway, Dad, let me just run upstairs for a sec. I forgot my phone this morning.” Larry nodded, let her in without a word, and brought Evan inside.

Evan had never felt awkward in the Murphy’s house. It was his home away from home. Cynthia doted on him, stuffing him with different goodies she had made. Zoe and him hung out in her bedroom so much that he spent more time in hers than his own. Connor had taken him into his bedroom, and slowly make out with him, turning his music full blast so his parents wouldn’t hear them. Connor was out to his parents, but they never brought it up to the point where he’d thought they’d forgotten, but they could never be too careful. Even Larry and Evan had gotten along. They’d played with Larry’s old baseball glove all the time. But now, something had changed.

_This wasn’t going to end well._

“You haven’t been over in a while,” Larry said bluntly, his brown eyes staring deep into Evan’s soul.

Evan stammered out some excuse about being busy, but Larry didn’t seem to care. “If you’re looking for Connor, he locked himself in his room."

“I’m not looking for, looking for him.” They made idle small talk. It was like a chess game. Evan had to make sure he wasn’t wading into dangerous territory. Every instinct of his was screaming to run, to get away from Larry. But it didn’t make sense. _Larry had been kind to him up until today. What had changed?_

_Why is Zoe taking so long?_

Then Connor came out, the stench of pot trailing behind him, and Evan felt his heart drop into his stomach.

“You can’t lock me in there anymore,” Connor spat. “I get that you don’t approve of me, but you can’t control it. It’s not a choice. You can’t hate me for being me.”

He stopped when he saw Evan. His eyes widened and he hissed. “What is he doing here?”

Larry stood up. “Mr. Hansen, it’s time for you to go.”

“Where’s Zoe?” Evan’s head started spinning. _You can’t hate me for being me. What did Connor mean? Is he okay?_

She came downstairs at that moment. “Let’s go, Evan.” she said, glancing at Connor.

As Zoe dragged him out, Evan looked back at Connor, sending a message with his eyes. _Are you okay? Do you need help?_ Connor met his eyes. And although he didn’t say anything back, those eyes told Evan everything. _He needs help. He’s drowning too._

 

 

The next night, Evan waited in his bedroom until he heard the click of the lock and the front door open. He went downstairs and saw his mother, Heidi Hansen, close the door behind her. Her face lit up when she saw him. “Hi, honey!” She dropped her bags, rushed forwards, and hugged him tightly. “How was school?”

“It’s going well, I guess. Jared and I got an A on our history project, and Zoe, Alana, him, and I might be going out to a fair tomorrow night.” She didn’t ask about Connor, and he was grateful for that.

Heidi let go and picked up her bags. “Good news. I got promoted!” She pumped her fist in the air. “One of the top nurses quit today and they gave me her position.”

“That’s, that’s great, Mom.”

“It gets better,” she said. “I don’t have class tonight, so I thought we could make dinner together. Ya know, have a Taco Tuesday.” She laughs. “We haven’t done that in weeks, and I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.”

Evan smiled.

They spend the next hour cooking beef and catching up with each other. Heidi told him that she’d be home more often, and he was relieved. Evan barely got to see her because she worked so much. They didn’t get to spend a lot of time together, so he enjoyed every moment of this. Finally, they sat down to eat, and Evan was struck with a sudden burst of inspiration.

“Mom,” he said. “Can we talk?”

Her fork froze halfway to her mouth, and her brow furrowed. “Yeah, of course. What’s up?”

“It’s Connor,” he blurted out.

Heidi raised an eyebrow. Evan had told her about their messy breakup, and the slurs he had used towards him. “Is he still bothering you? I told you, if he said those things to you, then he’s not worth it. You deserve someone who will treat you better than that.”

Evan continued. “I saw him yesterday when we stopped at Zoe’s. He came out and start talking about how his family couldn’t control him - couldn’t stop him from being himself. And he looked broken.”

“Honey,” Heidi’s voice was low, cautious. “It sounds like Connor’s gone off his meds. That’s the only kind of help he needs, and you can’t do anything about it.”

“No,” Evan sighed. He thought about Connor’s eyes, thought about the helpless look in them. “I know Connor. He’s in trouble, and no one will help him. He might try to kill himself again or something.”

His voice cracked. “Have you seen his eyes? He looks dead inside. This isn't Connor”

Heidi thought for a moment, and sighed too. “Evan, I’m not going to tell you what to do. I can’t help you in this situation. But answer this; do you love Connor?”

The words were a lump in his throat. Connor had broken his heart, but Evan still cared for him. He didn’t want him to get hurt. “I think so.”

Heidi pushed her plate aside and picked up another taco. “Well, if you love someone, you have to fight for them.”

Silence hung in the air as Evan pondered this. He knew what he had to do. “I love you, Mom. Thanks.” “Anytime,” Heidi leaned forward in her seat, taking a bite of her taco. “But I’m just saying, I think you and Jared would make a great couple.” She winked.

 

 

The Murphy’s had two trees in their yard. One was tiny, and bore fruit twice a year. The other tree was a gigantic, sturdy oak tree. Evan loved that tree. He and Connor had spent many nights hidden in that tree, just talking about life and other stuff, obscured by the thick branches and clumps of leaves. However, the best thing about the tree was that it was close to the side of the house. Close to Connor’s bedroom window.

Evan stood at the base of the tree. He stretched, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. _You have to find out what happened with Connor_.

He reached up to grab one of the thicker, low-hanging branches, and began to climb. The tree was quite tall, and after a while, his thoughts began to wander.

_There’s no way Connor would want to see you. He’s moved on; he doesn’t want to be bothered by his sniveling ex. Just go, leave him alone. Let him finally be free of you._

Evan pushed those thoughts aside. He was at the top of the tree now, hidden by the thick foliage. Peering out from behind the leaves, he could make out a slumped shape on Connor’s floor. On an impulse, he raised his arms and gave a weak wave. Thankfully, Connor didn’t notice him, and Evan just waited, watching the shape slowly move.

Connor had left his window open.

It took Connor a moment to notice, and when he did, his face turned from one of anger to one of shock. “Hansen?” What the fuck are you doing in my room?” Evan almost didn’t notice the potent, skunky smell permeating the room, and the thick smoke swirling around Connor. He knew what it was instantly. _Weed_. The thing was, Connor had quit smoking when he went to rehab. Evan knew that these days Connor only smoked when he was extremely angry or upset.

Upon facing Connor, his anxiety retreated for the first time that day.

Connor glared fiercely at him and Evan mustered up all his courage. “I thought you quit smoking.”

“I did,” Connor replied curtly. “Now get the hell out of my house.”

“Or what? Are you going to call me a fag again?” Evan softly replied. Connor just silently sat there. Evan took a step forwards. “This isn’t you. This isn’t the Connor Murphy I fell in love with.” He noticed Connor tense at the words, but kept pressing. “What happened?”

He had hoped for an answer, but Connor’s face twisted into an ugly snarl. “What the actual fuck is wrong with you, Hansen? Get out of my house.”

Then, Evan saw him glance at the door. He saw fear in Connor’s eyes. It was a look Connor had never shown before, and it chilled Evan’s bones. _Who could’ve made Connor feel this way?_

On an impulse, Evan reached out and took Connor’s hand, stroking his palm with his own thumb. Everything’s going to be okay. I promise. Surprisingly, Connor didn’t pull away, instead clinging to Evan’s hand like a lifeline. Evan felt the other boy’s resolve slowly weakening.

After staying like this for eternity, Connor let out a deep sigh and pulled his sleeve up. His arm was a mess. Evan recognized the thin, faded, white scars that ran up and down the other boy’s arm. He himself had ran his fingers across them, kissing each and every one during a late night makeout session. There were fresher cuts too, ugly red lines that made him wince. But that wasn’t all. Connor’s arm was covered in bruises. They looked relatively recent, about a month old. _He broke up with you a month ago._

It was a while before Connor spoke again, checking to make sure his door was locked shut. “I know I’ve put you through hell this past month, but none of this is your fault.” he rasped. “I was trying to protect you.”

His blood went cold.“Who did this?” he said, gesturing to the bloody mess on the other boy’s arm.

“Fucking Larry,” Connor smiled, but it contained no happiness. “He found out that we were together and freaked out. Yelled, beat me, all that shit. He said that if we kept dating, he’d send me to conversion therapy. Mom couldn’t stick up for me. I couldn’t tell Zoe. She’d try to confront him and I didn’t want her to get punished too. I was trapped. “

“I tried to make you hate me. It was the best way to keep you safe, keep you from asking too many questions. But you kept coming back. Damn fool.”

Evan’s throat burned. He swallowed once. Twice. “Why would you have to keep me safe? We could’ve broken up, but still stayed friends. I would’ve understood.”

Connor met his eyes. “Larry threatened you, Evan. He said that if I didn’t comply, he would find you and he would hurt you. I didn’t want that.” He started to say more, but couldn’t. His shoulders shook and his eyes fixated on on the wall.

_What are you supposed to say to that?_

Without a word, Evan leaned over and wrapped his arms tightly around Connor, who flinched, but synched his breath with Evan’s. The boys sat there for what felt like hours, reveling in the moment.

He almost lost it when Connor murmured. “I’m sorry, Ev. I’m so, so sorry. I never meant to make it such a mess.”

It took him a while before he responded. Connor had messed with his head, degrading him and being the cause of many panic attacks. Evan understood why he’d done it, but it still stung. Both of you have to heal from this. You can do it together. “I forgive you.”

After a while, they separated. Connor took both of Evan’s hands. “What now? If he finds us.” Connor spat out the word like it was poisoned. “We’ll be fucked.”

Evan smiled. “I have an idea.”

 

 

Connor fumbled with his suitcase as the pair walked up the street. “Are you sure this is a good idea?”

To be honest, Evan didn’t know. This was the quickest way to get Connor out of his house, but he didn’t know how well it would work out. Mrs. Murphy would be upset. His own mother would be shocked. Hell, he didn’t know how she’d react to this. And Larry...he’d be furious.

_Everything has to work out. You can’t let Connor go back to an abusive family._

After he’d explained the plan to Connor, he called Zoe, told her what had happened, and told her his plan. She was understanding, saying that she had recognised some of the signs. When he asked her if she wanted to come too, she declined, saying that she would be fine. Evan had smiled, saying “if it ever gets too bad, you know where to find me.” Then, he’d helped Connor pack, written a note to Connor’s parents and stuck it on his dresser, and the two left through the window.

They had reached Evan’s house now. His heart fluttered. He knew that it paled in comparison to Connor’s, and was slightly embarrassed, but Connor squeezed his hand, letting him know it was alright.

_What if it doesn’t work? What if Connor has to go back? What if everyone you love gets hurt just like him? What if-_

Holding Connor’s hand, he reached out and rapped thrice on the door. He didn’t expect an answer, since his mother was normally at work, but Heidi opened it. Her mouth opened in an ‘oh’ of surprise. “Hi, Evan. Hi, Connor. Is everything okay?”

“Mom,” Evan glanced back at Connor, who grinned. “Connor was being abused by his father; that’s why he broke up with me, to keep me safe.” He noticed Heidi’s eyes widen. “Is it okay if he stays with us for a little while?”

Heidi smiled at her son and his boyfriend. “Of course.” She opened the door a little further. “Come on in.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hit me up on Tumblr if you want to debate why Connor Murphy isn't the villian of deh  
> @shadynightkingdom


End file.
